Harry Potter and the popping Mystery of Lolly Pops
by TisAwesome
Summary: (I had to shorten the title)Basically a collection of things I find silly in Fan Fiction. Supposed to be stupid, please read and review. Flames are most welcome. Chappie 2 UP!
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter and the popping Mystery of Lolly and her Pops! 

**A/N: Hello Betrayed Vision here (you can call me Cel.) To give you the debut of HP & the popping mystery of Lolly Pop! It was at least 12:00 for me (2:00 for Nat, Natty123… different time zones) when we made up this story. WE were bored out of our minds and suffering a mild case of writers block. We decided to put into a story all the things we despised in HP fanfiction. So out came HP & T.p.m.o.L.a.h.P! (I'm too lazy to type the whole thing.) I hope you enjoy it's quirkiness as we enjoy writing it. (It's not really quirky... more like stupidity.)**

**This Chapter is written by: **Cel

**WARNING: **Mary Sueage! & language + sexual themes

**DISCLAMER: **I don't own anything, besides my demented mind.

**I label this story:** **_R_**

**Chapter One: No-No's **

Lolly Demeter Persephone Adrian Ezzy I'm Trying To Make Up Names Pop entered Hogwarts with a shining perfect smile. Her long golden blonde hair moved behind her as her shapely hips swayed. She licked her luscious lips and sat down at the know-it-all Ravenclaw table. "Hello all, I'm here to seduce your Potion's master," she calmly said with a sweet smile, "If you wanted to know, I wear a double d."

The boys of Hogwarts were entranced by Miss Lolly Pop. The face was she was the best unknown porn star to hit Hogwarts. Then Dumbledore stood up and announced an important message: "Welcome to Hogwarts, blah…blah…blah…my secret lover is Lucius Malfoy…blah...blah…Forbidden Forest is Forbidden…blah…blah…blah…blah…HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOIND TO SAY BLAH?"

"MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE ROCKS!" a student screamed wearing all My Chemical Romance threads. "TAKE THE MUDBLOOD DOWN!" Voldemort commanded. Out popped death eaters and fried the MCR lover. "Mmm... mudblood tastes like chicken," Lolly Pop stated eating the MCR lover. "Are you really here to seduce our Potions master?" a second year asked.

Lolly Pop smiled and looked at the boy with beautiful, entrancing, breathtaking aqua colored eyes. She beamed, "Of coarse why would I be here? Harry's gay with Ron and my authors love Draco to death. So there isn't one else to deduce."

The boy smiled, "You're a great student, and I believe you should be a Head Girl! Aren't you a foreign exchange student from America too?"

"Of coarse, how else will I fill under the Mary Sue persona? I have perfect grades, a tragic past that makes me come to Hogwarts , I have amazing and gifted powers, I have huge breasts, and as usual I have come to screw around with one of your main characters," Mary Sue… I mean Lolly Pop beamed keeping her upbeat personality.

"LOLLY POP FOR HEAD GIRL!" the school chanted. "Hey! What about me? I'm supposed to be with Draco as Head Girl. We're supposed to have wild sex and eventually fall in love!" Hermione Granger cried out. "STAB THE KNOW-IT-ALL WITH PITCH FORKS!" The school chanted and ran Hermione Granger into the lake stabbing her with pitchforks.

"LOLLY FOR HEAD! Lolly Pop, Lolly Pop, how many licks will you give our potions master?" the school chanted singing. Lolly Pop beamed, "You people are SO nice. Hopefully I won't have to give your potions master any licks. Hopefully we'll go into the doggy style!"

As Hogwarts feasted, Lolly went up to Professor Snape unbuttoning her shirt as she went, "Professor," she said sitting on the table, "I'm having these horrible dreams, and I was wondering if you could make me a dreamless potion. And I could wing on by."

"Sure Miss Pop," he said not noticing that she had 'Porn Star' tattooed on her chest. Suddenly out popped one of the others of this ludicrous story, (Tattoo is the magic word.)

…**Author Appearing…**

Cel: Let me see your tattoos!

ItalianSexgod: No, I'm not going to let you see my tattoos.

Cel: Why not?

ItalianSexgod: Because they're on my ass!

Cel: So?

…**Author Disappears… (I'll explain later)**

"Did you notice that?" Lolly Pop asked the man she was going to seduce. "No not at all," the man said that was going to be seduced by Lolly. "I think you need to make that potion for me, NOW!" Lolly commanded with a fake smile eye twitching.

"Follow me Miss Pop," Severus-the-sexy-Snape said going down into his dungeons. Snape into his office, suddenly in lingerie Lolly-

…**Author Appearing…**

Cel: YOU MARY SUE BIMBO! You are not supposed to seduce Severus NOW! Wait till next chapter evil grin so Nat can write the scene.

"But he's alone, we were alone! Go away, I'm going to seduce him now and move on to Professor Dumbledore next chapter," Lolly pouted to the author.

Cel: Sounds like a plan, continue.

…**Author Disappears… **

"Professor, I need a lesson," Lolly said in her unknown best porn star that ever hit Hogwarts voice. "Make love to me," Severus said throwing Lolly ont his desk and making out like dogs in heat. "WOOHOO! RIDE ME LIKE A COWBOY SEVERUS!"

CENSORED (Some raunchy stuff I'm too lazy to write.)

Horrible elevator missing playing to take up your time

As Lolly walked out of the Snape's office, she satisfied for the night, she said, "This tape will sell more than 'One Night in Paris!' Who doesn't want to see a Mary Sue rack it up with a Professor?"

**A/N: Random writing my favorite thing to do at precisely 3 in the morning. LOL! Alright my explanation for ItalianSexgod: My friend (code named ItalianSexgod) has tattoos…and he won't let me see them. That's all.**

**If you noticed, I've targeting all fanfics. I've bashed Mary Sues, and I'm still not done yet! The next chapter will be written by Nat (natty123 if you want to read her other stuff.) Now I'm going back to Dragon's Den & Mid Heaven Flights (till Nat's finished the 2nd chapter) till the 3rd chapter I will see your readers! –B.V**


	2. The curse, is it gone?

**A/N: This is Nat (natty123). I'm just gonna write some random stuff now. Sorry if it isn't that funny…. I'm not as funny as Cel! Lol**

**Disclairmer: No,I don't own the caracter exept Lolly, and the plot, that's mines and Cels!**

**Rating:M**

After Lolly's wonderful night with the potion's master, she watched the tape to make sure she cut it at a good angle.

"I better make a copy of this, before Samara tries to kill me in 7 days!" Lolly said hysterically! Then her illegal cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Yougonnadieinsevendays" the voice said.

"Who's gay?"

"Yougonnadieinsevendays." The voice said again.

"Who's gonna get laid?"

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN SEVEN DAYS!" It screamed and hung up.

"How rude! She hung up! Oh my GOSH! I'm going to die in seven days!" she panicked and fainted.

She woke up 3 hours later in the Hospital Wing.

"Miss. Pop I'm glad you are awake," said Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore!" She sighted in relieve.

**Author's appearance**

"**Seduce him! Seduce him!" chanted Nat.**

"**Alright! Get out! Leave! Right now, it's the end of you and me. It's too late, now! And I can't wait for you to be gone!**

**Author is gone**

Then Lolly Pop started singing a muggle song. It was very uncomfortable for Prof. Dumbledore.

"C'mon over, come on over, baby…" she singed and like Dumbledore was hypnotized he started walking over to Lolly, who had popped naked.

Dumbledore walked over to her closer and closer, until he was on top of her ready to get his groove on when Harry unexpectedly walked in.

"Jesus Christ!" Harry exclaimed.

Lolly quickly popped into her normal clothes and left Dumbledore there looking like a dummy.

"Umm… 10 points from Gryffindor!" Dumbledore shouted.

"Umm, why? Never mind I'll leave you two to your own privacy!" he said quickly and left.

Harry went to the library where he was to do an interview with the Daily Prophet.

At the Interview

"So, Harry what are you going to do when you get out of Hogwarts?" the ugly interviewer asked.

"I suppose I'll go on a honey moon!" he said excitedly.

"With whom, may I ask?"

"No, you may not ask."

"Well… when was the best time you had at Hogwarts?"

"Well, I supposed it was when I won the quidditch cup- wait what am I saying? By far the best memory I had at Hogwarts was when Ron and I were having HOT STEAMY SEX, at the boys bathroom," He said smiling slightly, and his left eye twitching.

"Umm, ok! Very interesting, we'll continue this another time," she said too quickly and left.

"What did I do wrong?" Harry asked him self, in a thoughtful way.

"Pansy… may I ask you for a favor?" Lolly asked with her puppy like face.

"Umm, ok," said Pansy awkwardly.

"Will, you watch this tape?" she asked nervously.

" What is it?"

"It's me seducing the potion's master." She said still twitching her eyes.

"Alright…"

"Give it to me tomorrow." Said Lolly happily

' _Finally! I'm rid of the curse! Forever! MWUAHAHA!' _Lolly Thought evilly.

**Author's appearance**

"**Not yet, there is the ring 2, you know!" Nat said smiling evilly too.**

"**UGH! SAMARA JUST WANTS A MOM! Poor, poor evil spirit," Said Lolly.**

**Author is gone**

A/N:** Alrighty! I would write more, but I happen to be very tired! So be patient! I hope my chappie wasn't too boring!**

**I have an awesome idea for chappie 4! I think it is anyways…. I might change my mind! Until then-**

**- Nat a.k.a: natty123**


	3. Brazillian Butts

Harry Potter and the popping Mystery of Lolly and her Pops! 

**A/N: **Hey all! This Cel writing this chapter! I hope you liked Nat's chapter, I almost tinkled my pants when I read it. TEEHEE!

**This Chapter is written by: **Cel

**WARNING: **Mary Sueage! & language + sexual themes

**DISCLAMER: **I don't own anything, besides my demented mind. Oh and I don't own that blackies song... his name is 50 cent right? That's probably what he started out with.. 50 cents and a bunch of cockroaches. And I mena that in a most complimentary way!

**I label this story:** M

**Chapter Three: Brazilian Butts… best in the World (haha... no… white mammas have the best butts! AND I CAN TOO DANCE! dances like a retarded white girl lol ) **

As our dear Lolly danced to her favorite songs, a pole appeared. And she started stripping in the Great Hall. Soon Professor Dumbledore joined in the escapade, and was in his "pimp suit."

Intro: 50 Cent  
Yeah...  
Uh huh  
So seductive

Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia  
50 Cent  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
I'll let you lick the lollypop  
Go 'head girl don't you stop  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot  
Olivia  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
Boy one taste of what I got  
I'll have you spending all you got  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot

Verse 1: 50 Cent  
You can have it your way, how do you want it  
You gon' back that thing up, or should i push up on it  
Temperature rising, okay, lets go to the next level  
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle  
I break it down for you now, baby its simple  
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho  
In the hotel, or in the back of the rental  
On the beach or in the park, just whatever you into  
Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor  
Have you friends teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya  
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem get on top  
Then get your bounce around, like a little rider  
I'm season's fit when it come to this shit  
After you work up a sweat you can play with this stick  
I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can  
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)

Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia  
50 Cent  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
I'll let you lick the lollypop  
Go 'head girl don't you stop  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot  
Olivia  
I'll take you to the candy shop Boy one taste of what I got  
I'll have you spending all you got  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot

Bridge: 50 Cent & Olivia  
Girl what we do (what we do)  
And where we do (and where we do)  
The things we do (things we do)  
Are just between me and you (oh yeah)

Verse 2: 50 Cent  
Give it to me baby, nice and slow  
Climb on top, ride like you in a rodeo  
You aint never heard a sound like this before  
Cause I aint never put it down like this  
Soon as I come through the door, she get to pulling on my zipper  
It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker  
Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch you in thongs  
Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone  
I touch the right spot at the right time  
like something, i like something, she like it from behind (unsure about this line)  
So seductive you should see the way she whine  
Her hips so slow mo' on the floor when we grind  
Long as she aint stopping, homie I aint stopping  
Triple wet with sweat, man its on and popping  
All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle, its on  
And we gon' sip the heavy bubble, now every bottle is gone

Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia  
50 Cent  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
I'll let you lick the lollypop  
Go 'head girl don't you stop  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot  
Olivia  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
Boy one taste of what I got  
I'll have you spending all you got  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot

Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia  
50 Cent  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
I'll let you lick the lollypop  
Go 'head girl don't you stop  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot  
Olivia  
I'll take you to the candy shop  
Boy one taste of what I got  
I'll have you spending all you got  
Keep going 'til you hit the spot

When the song ended, Harry and Ron were making out like wild dogs and Professor McGonagall and Sir Monty Python were on the teachers table "doin it." Draco Malfoy was finished his strip tease. And Lolly was swinging on the chandelier with Dumbledore.

Suddenly Professor Lupin appeared with Lucius Malfoy. "By hon," Lucius said in a high pitch transvestite sexy voice. Lucius grabbed Lupin's butt and disappeared.

"**A FREE FUCK**!" Lolly squealed running toward Lupin her boobs hitting her in the face. She got knocked out, (the surgery was a bad one… the surgeons left iron in her tits.)

He turned, a bit freaked out, "But I'm gay!" he protested. Suddenly the room turned dark, the music stopped and the students turned to watch as a shady looking Severus grabbed Lupin and pulled him off to a dark, isolated corner.

When Lolly awoke, she looked around for her "free fuck." She went into the shady, isolated corner and joined Severus and Lupin. "I WANT BOTH!" Lolly squealed.

"I like your tattoo Lolly," Remus said looking at her breasts.

**Authors Appears **

**Cel: I WANT TO SEE THOSE TATTOOS! **

**ItalianSexGod: No damnit! You'll just have till I come over and give your cover! **

**Cel: DAMNIT! I'm going to shank you! **

**ItalianSexGod: You just want to see my ass. **

**Cel: So? **

**Author Disappears **

"Did you see that?" Lolly asked looking at the mist phasing. "Dude, were to busy screwing each other mindless, I can't even see Dumbledore pole dancing anymore," Severus said and the two of continued in their dog interpretation.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR CAT!" Ron screamed on the top of his lungs throwing Crookshanks at the remains of Hermione's decaying corpse.

**A/N: **I'm such a stoner… such a pot head. Gosh this is what I do when I get bored. Damn boredom… damn hippies. Ok… well that was chapter 3… Nat is writing the next chapter. CHAPTER FOUR! WOHOO! You can tell that it isn't as funny as my normal antics. Well got to go! PEACE OUT! FLOWER POWER!


End file.
